Code of silence

Can there really be a finality to an emotion without it being halted by another overpowering emotion taking over? Can you really put a stop to an experience of a certain feeling, just for the sake of being able to control it, and not let it control you? I have been meaning to figure this out but I have also failed miserably in allowing myself to just sit still for a few minutes and ponder, without being overwhelmed by words I cannot express.

Slow down, I tell myself. 

Everything has been happening super fast lately, not that I couldn't catch up but it's more like I want it to be over as soon as possible. I didn't bother wondering if it had any consequences to my mental state until that one fine day when I realized myself doing just the same whilst conversing with God. My heart sank. Have I been really that oblivious?

Slow down, and take a deep breath. 

It takes a lot of work and conscious effort to be able to practice mindfulness. I had unconsciously allow complacency to break the momentum of my mindfulness that when I finally woke up, I saw that some damages had been done. 

Slow down, I whisper to myself.

It's important for me to take the time off from things that are too much for me. Sometimes the withdrawal is abrupt and I would just lay low for awhile and come back up. This time it feels different. I have been cocooning myself in this indescribable sadness for the past few days without wanting to get out of it. I don't want to do that to myself but at the same time, I don't want to risk not allowing myself to just breathe easy again.

Slow down, it's time.

My thoughts are obviously not attuned to whatever I'm doing in real life. I feel like I'm at my worst level of pretense as of now, I don't feel comfortable being in my own skin lately and I can't even stand looking at the mirror. I feel like I have awakened the sleeping demons and they seem to be enjoying this sadness that I seem to be transfixed on. Do I let it be? Or do I fight on for the umpteenth time?

Slow down, please.

I cry for no reason nowadays. It sucks to admit that but it's kind of liberating if I were to think of it. I feel like I have been devoid of important emotions ever since I decided to put a stop to my overflowing (and yet) inexplicable sadness but I know it equates to not giving my mind and soul their rights to be the way they are. I want to rise again, that's all I ever wanted. Maybe this one works like an assurance for me. That it'll be okay. It'll work out someday. I'll be okay. 

I just need to slow down.