Have you ever felt like your heart has been aching for too long? You have gotten everything you have ever wished for and yet your heart still feels like it doesn't truly belong? And whenever such feeling hits you, you couldn't help but feel so tired of everything around you.
I have been feeling that for the longest of time. What did I not do right, I asked myself - countless times. Have the sum of my innumerable sins come in the way of me trying to achieve my peace of mind? I was scared to ask my Love, for I had actually known what was wrong. I kept praying for my Love to replace my heart with a brand new one. I couldn't stand its condition, I couldn't bear the ache that its bringing me day in, day out. I wanted to be shown the way, I wanted to be given the light; right there and right then.
Apart from my daily conversation with my Love, I too had confided in my husband. After we got married, I started expressing my frustration of this world - how I feel like death is just around the corner for me, how I don't want to live in this world anymore. I don't want to be here, my heart doesn't belong in this world. I kept asking my Love. Kept requesting Him for a brand new heart. It came to a point where I felt like maybe it was too late for me.
But Allah is Al-Wadud, oh the Most Loving One. He is indeed Al-Basir, the All-Seeing and He is truly As-Sami, the All-Hearing. He sent me love in one of the ways that He knew I could totally understand -- through poetry. Couldn't recall just how many times I cried reading poetry that revolves around Allah and all His Jalal and Jamal. And Allah the Al-Wahhaab allowed my path to converge with some beautiful souls - of whom two of them have significantly shaped the way I see God and Islam. It was an eye-opening experience and it truly felt like my heart had just gone through an abrupt yet impactful tazkiyya. It changed the way I look at Islam, it changed the way I express my faith and it changed the way I look at this temporary world. It made me realize that we are all just trying to come Home. Our one ultimate Home.
My spiritual journey has been a sacred thing to me - it still is. I never wanted to share it with anyone because I know I still have a lot to learn. The more knowledge I seek, the more I realize that I do not know much. I have wanted to keep it all private. But I know something felt wrong about it too. It was when I came upon this 55th verse from Surah Adh-Dhariyat and also the 2nd & 3rd verse of Surah Al-'Asr that I started to want to share the journey with everyone I know:
Remind, for indeed, the reminder benefits the believers. -- (51:55)
Indeed, mankind is in loss. (103:2)Except those who have faith, do good, and urge each other to the truth, and urge each other to perseverance. (103:3)
What excuse do I have to not reach out to the people I love, now? I have been complaining about the over usage of social media, how it's becoming a platform for all the bad things and such. It was when Allah allowed me to know the two beautiful souls as I mentioned above that I have actually realized that social media can be a medium for da'wah. It could work as a reminder not just for people but for me, first and foremost.
It wasn't an easy transition. Because I was one of those people - who felt like posting Islamic things and da'wah-laced reminders only goes to show how pretentious people are, only sending off message that they're showing off that they're better than other people. Little did I know, they are actually doing it for the sake of Allah, to please Him. Not the people around them. Because why? Let's go back to the 55th verse from Surah Adh-Dhariyat. Just because of that.
It is because of this that I have promised myself to spread more love and light. Not because I want to shove down people's throats about what and how they should learn about the Deen. But it is simply because I want people to realize the beauty of the Deen itself. I want people to feel the way I feel. I want people to experience the love that Allah has not only for me but for all His creations.
Some of my "friends" have been commenting on my changed persona. Calling me ustazah-to-be, telling me that my social media platform is becoming a place for me to luah perasaan and such. If I were the one-year-ago Ain, I would definitely had given a sarcastic comeback. But after all that I have learnt, I realized whatever people say about you is actually the reflection of their own self. I shouldn't worry about what people think of me because I didn't do it for them anyway - I did it for my Love and for myself. The rest comes after, of course.
I am writing all this because honestly, I have been slacking for the past few weeks. I was given ample reminders to istiqomah but I got so carried away with my worldly matters I forgot to take a step back and just reflect. This is of course, a reminder for my lost soul -- that I still have a lot to learn and so little time to do everything.
You have not been created for the life of this world but for the Hereafter. Thus, you have been commanded to prepare for the Hereafter. This life was created for you to help you in the worship of Allah, the Creator, to facilitate your way to meet Him and earn His grace, honor, and be close to Him in the Gardens of pleasure (Paradise). It is unacceptable that a wise person abandons the worship of his Creator and Sustainer denying himself the honor that Allah has set for him. It is unacceptable to be preoccupied by the preference of one's lower desires and the greediness to attain the passing fancies of the life of this world. Allah has promised Muslims a greater status and noble reward in the life of this world and in the Hereafter.
May Allah ease this struggle for me, and for you too.
Baby steps, my friends. That's all it takes for you to start coming Home.
In'sha Allah Ta'ala.
Till I write again.
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