Re-evaluate

The number one rule to staying in love with what you are doing is to keep doing it. Is that so? I don't know, I have been having this huge void in my heart about this one thing I truly love doing: writing. At this point of time, I even feel like questioning such proclamation. Do I? Do I really love writing?

It's best for me to re-evaluate this, or so I think.

I have been having troubles with being consistent in my writing. How is that possible, you think, since I'm actually working as a writer? I always like to separate my love for writing and the fact that I am actually writing for a living. They are two different things because they are in a completely two different types of writing genre. 

I never thought that I would have a full-time career as a writer, if I were to be honest. Despite having to start writing when I was barely finishing primary school - I had no vivid memory of wanting to be full-time writer. I made a lot of short stories, created a lot of blogs and dreamt authoring a lot of books but never once had I imagined having it as a full-time career. I am starting to think that this is why I don't enjoy my work anymore.

You see, I don't have any professional writing background prior to joining my current company almost 4 years ago. I did business studies, excelled in it, worked in my dream company and then I quit my job and decided to pursue a career in writing instead. It was all unplanned. I didn't regret my change of direction but right now, yes right this moment, I feel like I didn't think enough. I'm not saying I shouldn't have made that decision but I just feel like I've lost the motivation along the way.

Because working here, writing feels more like a chore to me. I do enjoy some of the articles, of course but most of the times I feel like I'm just doing it for the sake of finishing it up, you know? I don't feel the love and the excitement of writing like how I felt when I was writing poetry or even writing on this blog. I didn't want to admit this before but I feel like I need to come clean and be honest with myself. 

And because of this love-hate relationship with my work, I'm starting to feel this huge annoyance in my heart whenever I thought of reviving my love for writing. I know, I owe it all to myself. I did this to myself but I kept on asking myself like what the heck are you trying to do anyway? And so I spent the past few days trying to remember how it was like to love writing.

I remember falling in love with JD Salinger's writings. The first person who had actually sowed the writing's seed of love in my heart. I remember feeling inspired almost everyday - just by looking at one word or even hearing about one event, where I would start jotting down my poems. I have never loved anything more than the happiness I get whenever I read and write poems. I owe that to Rumi, Shel Silverstein and many other poets. But I've stopped thinking about these people (except for Rumi because I'm currently also learning a lot about Sufism but that's on a totally different note) and because of such abandonment on my part, I've completely forgotten how to even write about beautiful things. It's so sad on my part but the truth is, this is not my sign of defeat.

I am trying my best to reignite my passion, trying my best to put things where it belongs. I always feel like I should just give it up but the fact that my mind would always wander back to poetry is the reason why I feel like it's in my heart and my mind for a reason. I just need to be more disciplined, that's all.

Dream. Dua. Do. That's what I got from Aida Azlin and I love it so much. It reminds me of this one famous and widely used line from Surah Ar-Ra'd:

"Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves."

I shall write more soon. Have a lovely day!