Truth prevails

I'm not perfectly well. I haven't figured out how to get rid of the part of me that I hate the most. But of course I've come to tell myself that it's not okay for me to hate my condition because God doesn't burden me with things I couldn't bear so I chose to persevere. I tried, of course. And I'm not gonna lie, there is this little hope in me thinking that I have conquered it.

Until three days ago came and proved me wrong.

I knew something was about to happen. I knew something was not right because I could feel it creeping under my bones, I could feel it crawling on my skin. Oh this feeling that is so familiar. I tried to put it aside (I shouldn't have; lesson learned) but it came crawling back - worse, it made me go berserk. I'm not exaggerating, that is exactly what happened.

This is the only time I feel helpless, I feel like my faith (aka imaan) has gone to waste, like I didn't learn anything. But how do I reason it out when when it happened, I couldn't even remember the things I did, and the words I said. All I could remember was I just wanted it to be over, for someone to end the pain, for God to take my life.

I know, I istighfar-ed a lot after that because how could I ask for such a thing.

But I'm in a more conscious state now despite the damages that I have done. To the things around me and especially to the one who was with me then. At that time I just prayed for God to make it easy for me to fight this, to control it. And for God to make it easy for my husband too.

I think the problem here is I was sure I had taken control of everything. My failure to express it out and to talk about it before it got to me has made me realize how I need to be able to share. That the space in my head shouldn't be confined to my own thoughts and fears anymore. I have Him and I have him. I don't know how many times my heart breaks while writing this.

Going back to the quote that I used for my wedding card, "when our hearts are heavy burdens, we shouldn't have to bear alone."

And yet I still forget.

I'm not writing this for people to sympathize me. It has never occured to me that I am so unfortunate to have this inconvenience in my brain because I know, I have so many other things (aka blessings) that I am so very thankful for. It's pretty much the same thing - when I was young, I complained to my dad why am I not tall. My dad's answer was simple but it stayed with me to this very day, "if you are tall then you'd be perfect. Remember, no one's perfect." Ha ha, I know he was just saying that because he's my father but I get his point. So, I no longer question about that. But I will talk about that particular matter in a different post ok.

Oh yes, I know it's weird but I do thank my Almighty for this inconvenience that I have with my brain. It humbled me, it made thank the things/people that I have around me. Just that I wish and hope that I could be stronger than this. I really want to be stronger.

Sansan's words to me when it happened three days ago, "you are strong, kan? You can fight this okay?" and of course my heart broke to thousand pieces because I feel like I am not as strong as I appear to be. 

Friends and my loyal readers, I know I don't always ask something from you people but please, from the depths of my heart please, pray for my well-being and pray that God eases things for me ok. I pray that God will grant you guys the same thing in anything that you do.

Thank you for reading this. It means a lot.