Cold hard truth

It's really important to be able to know what you want and what you need. I have been struggling to differentiate both of them but at the same time I'm having an even bigger battle trying not to succumb to what I want - despite how good it is, despite how liberating it would be for me.

I'm not talking about material possessions, I'm talking about the things that I need to fulfil my internal desires. I'm talking about the people around me, the things I involved myself in and also my job. One thing that I have learnt over the years is to not sacrifice my peace of mind.

I have also discovered maintaining my needed peace of mind has also helped me control my bipolar episodes. It's not really a failure-proof plan but so far, it has really helped me in living a better life alhamdulillah. That's why this post is going to be laced with a hint of angry tone to it because it is actually inspired by my annoyance towards people who try (whether or not they realize it) to steal away my peace of mind.

I have managed to filter the people I don't really want to associate myself often with. This may sound hypocritical because let's just be honest here, we can't really cut ties with our friends, right? Besides, it's really tak baik to memutuskan silaturrahim ok so I chose to distant myself - not in a way that I'd avoid these people at all cost but more like I would just spend less time meeting/talking to them. My filtering doesn't just stop there. I have filtered the things I see on television too. Explains why I no longer binge-watch on series anymore. I stopped watching series that no longer serves my mental health in a good way and trust me, the list is extremely long. And I'm glad I made that decision. I love my mind and comprehension on the real world so much better now, less tainted from the things I get from unrealistic tv series that didn't really help to articulate my thoughts.

spoiler alert: don't get me wrong, niggs! I still watch some of them. And when I said some, I really meant like two or three of them. I would write a separate post on the things I let myself watch on tv or even read on the internet (including books) ok because I have fun writing about those stuff lol. 

I have also filtered the things I post on my social media. I get a lot of cynical remarks about my 'super clean' and 'super memilih' feed. People think I do it for the ~aesthetics~ but whenever I get such comment, I'd just laugh to myself and shrug it off. Because the truth is, I cannot stand messy feed. I have too much of messiness in my head, do I need to have such messiness on my social media too? I can't. It bothers my mental health so I have chosen to make it seem like it was all planned and structured. I don't know why it is such an issue for some people that I only post photos with light or white backgrounds. Because duh, when I go out, these backgrounds/walls were the only thing my eyes were attracted to in the first place.

Ok I don't mean to sound angry, I just wanna write it out ok so don't get me wrong. It's also the same with my choice of clothes. Do I need to explain more? Pretty sure you get the idea by now. The same thing when people try to tell me how to live my life or how to be more career-driven and all that stuff. Not because I can't but I don't want to. It's my conscious effort to not be so caught up in my work. I'm not afraid of all that. I just don't want to be attached to all those things. Forcing me to look at my life and my career in a different way is just going to piss me off, to be honest. I understand at this age, people are chasing after wealth and all that stuff but I just don't want to be one of those people. I don't want to and I pray that I will never be. It's just something that I have internally planned for myself so I hope some people would just respect that for once. I, would never in a million years judge the way you want to live your life so I don't think I should be receiving such judgment from people in regard to how I live and see my life ahead as well.

So... I've been contemplating on making a major life decision lately. I've been dreading making a final call on it and it has been months now. I know I should really decide soon. Especially when my heart no longer feels right anymore. And trust me, when my heart says no, it's a no. I don't really worry on the consequences though because I have been praying to Allah to let me realize what is wrong and I'm beginning to really see it now. As scary as it sounds, everything is getting clearer now. 

But what am I waiting for, really? More time? I don't know. Time will tell, they say but time and tide wait for no man. Hah, that's just me trying to make an impactful exit but whatever. Obviously your sassy perky gal is back.

p/s: Thank you so much to the people who have personally reached out to me in regard to the previous post. I didn't expect it but know that you guys will always have a special place in my heart no matter what happens, ok! May Allah bless all of you.