I would have used fate or coincidence for my title provided it has a nice ring to it but obviously it doesn't so yes, Malay all the way.
I told you I wanted to write about the extraordinary dreams that I have been having these past few weeks. Had another weird one last night so I know I shouldn't delay on this posting. Also because if I chose to write it later, I'm sure I would actually forget it.
So brace yourself! Because..... it's nothing special anyways but it sure left me wondering and what's even better, it humbled me in so many ways. More reasons to love Ramadan! Because..... ok lah nanti I explain again hehe.
But first of all, please let me indicate in advance that I am in no way trying to open up all wounds, open up a can of worms or open up whatever bad thing that you think I'm doing lah. This is just me sharing ok so let's not read too much into it. It is what it is so let's not assume anything else.
Almost 2 weeks into Ramadan, I had two recurring dreams but of two different people. Same theme, same surrounding, same aftermath (the feeling I get after I woke up) but with two different characters. I know these two people and we are no longer friends.
I mean, I used to be so close to both of this people albeit for two different arenas. In the dream, I was surprised to see them and at some point, I even dreaded to see them. Finding out that I had to see them for I-don't-know-what reasons, I could feel the dread was real, even after I woke up. But then, both meetups left me smiling in the dreams. I was friends again with them, they were making effort trying to be nice to me. And then I woke up.
To be honest (and not to sugarcoat anything), these two weren't nice to me - especially when we were no longer friends. They made up stories about me. One even went to the length of dragging other people to stop being friends with me. I was at first furious. Because being me, I hate it when people accuse me of doing things I didn't do. But then I got to the point where I feel like it's useless. It's useless to dwell on it so I let it go. I stopped wondering why. I stopped wondering if I could even fix it. I just stopped. So why? Why are these two making appearances in my dreams? My ever so sacred place of infrequent visit - oh the dreamland? Haha.
So I told Sansan about it. If you know him, you'd know this fella has no ill thoughts towards anyone. Seriously, anyone. This is the guy who brought my understanding of husnudzon to a whole new level ok. When I told him, he said it so simply: "maybe it's time for you to forgive them and maybe it's time to be friends again,". Whoa, did someone just slap me? I really feel like someone just did.
OK I'm no saint so when he said that, I completely ignore the latter part because I feel like not being friends with them makes it all better but on the former part!! It made me question my conscience. I've been telling people (and even myself) that I've let this matter go. Maybe the friendship wasn't meant to be. So it's ok. I'm gonna move on. But wait a minute, did I really forgive them in the first place? Oh my. I never did, didn't I? Astaghfirullahalazim I can only utter that (and I've stopped sharing my dreams with Sansan too as I didn't want to get another similar breakthrough a.k.a a-slap-in-the-face moment like this again) (no lah, just kidding ok I still tell him everything even when I dreamt about Harry Styles and not him, tsk kesian buah hati).
And then it made me think. They didn't apologize for any of that. But do I have to wait for them to apologize in order for me to forgive them? Like, who the hell do I think I am? I got so sad thinking about this I started reflecting on my conscience and the state of my heart. And suddenly, I'm thankful for having such dreams.
I have also learnt the true meaning of forgiving through this. Because at the end of the day, it's not about them. It's about me. What it's doing to my heart if I were to keep bottling it up till this very day. My heart shouldn't be filled with such ill-feelings. Why would I have a space for something so memudaratkan in my heart when I could just get rid of it by forgiving?
And then exactly a few days after the second dream, I found this text:
“When someone hurts you or harms you, even if it is a deep wound, forgive them. Forgive them NOT for their sake, but as a sign of gratitude to Allah. Why you ask? For making you the victim and not the oppressor. There is no crime in being a victim, rather it brings you closer to Allah and rids you of your sins. But as for the oppressor, they’ll have to face their Lord one day. So in reality, they are their own greatest victims.” – Suhaib Webb
And for that, I thank You. Oh last night's dream was different and of a totally different context. I'll share about that some other time but please keep in mind, it's not a good thing trying to interpret your dreams because most of the times, it's just a sleep's play or even worse, a Shaytaan's way of messing with your head so iboh itok gilak, kata orang Sarawak. Ok lah bye bye for now!
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