Under the microscope.

I'm currently swamped by the need to sleep a lot even when I clearly had enough sleep the night before. I'm constantly tired in my head, they don't really seem to take a break this time around because the voices keep on making me feel like I need to crawl out of my skin as soon as possible.

I've been talking to people too. About my life, about the life of people that I cared for and about and I realized that I kinda ruined my own expectations of myself. I thought I would be able to emphatize in a way that I've been telling and encouraging other people to do so but I ended up just wanting things to fall into its right places (add up with my incapability to wait for something to reason out of it) and now I feel like I'm suffocating myself by worrying about things that are not even of my concern in the first place. Well, it kinda is but I think it's time for me to stay the heck away from it.

I don't know if it's okay to just get by with everything. Of course it's not okay but then again I thought of all the limitations that I thought people had put on me when the truth is I restricted myself without anyone else having to intervene. I let it block my freedom of expression and boy do I have a lot to say! I mean yes, come on, if you know me personally, you'd know how I'm very opinionated when it comes to things that I know but now it just kinda fizzled out, like it was never in my system at all. Did I do that? I'm sure I did.

I write a lot of stuff without considering other people, but lately I've been worrying too much if I ended up hurting anyone but I don't want to be that person anymore, you know? I just wanna embrace my frankness, my nature of not being able to sugarcoat things just because I was expected to do so. I wanna go back to that, please. Because all I am now is this person who just want to deal with people by saying whatever they want to hear from me. I get away with things easily like that but bro, that's not me. How did I ever be okay with that?

I need to stop wasting too much time thinking too. I think way too much these days, that's why I feel like I need to sleep it off. Sleep and just sleep till there's nothing left to be worried about but we all know that's not how it works.

I wish I wouldn't drag my fucking bipolar in it but things would have been easier, ain't it? It would definitely get easier if I could actually talk it out with my friends in real life but of course not I'm not ready to bare that part of me just yet. I don't want it to be the thing that's holding me back. But why the heck haven't I got my head around all this just yet?

Sometimes I just want to laugh at people who are so keen on asking my next step in life, like there's this specific rules you need to abide to and if you don't keep up - you never really live. Well I'd say fuck you for that matter. If I'm an indecisive bitch as people think I am well let me fucking be; for all that I know I never asked for your opinion.

Oh well, I wasn't pissed though. I just felt like cursing.

My heart is palpitating outta my chest and I feel so overwhelmed all the time now. Been trying to occupy myself with watching classics because I really can't focus on reading nowadays. I get tired and bored so easily and I hate myself for that. What have you been up to?