I'm obviously late to my own birthday party so hey guess what, I'm 26 years old now! It's surprising how small that number is because y'all know how old and deteriorating my soul really is. Spent my birthday going away with just the right people, getting shitload of long-ass messages on my phone just describing how great I am to my friends - what better gift could I ask for? I still can't believe that I have such amazing friends around me because God knows I'm actually a shitty kind of a friend, to be honest but seeing these people tolerating my shit is just beyond me. Thank you, yes I'm thanking you people for existing.
Now let's go back to me.
It has been a rollercoaster ride all through my life and I don't know why I think the day will come where I could just sit back and relax; the day where all my worries and confusion and tantrums would actually make sense. Who am I kidding - it's not going to happen and I still have this problem in accepting such fact. I'm obviously scared, I predict how my life ends every day and none of them is pleasant.
I had a long list of things to do and places to go; all that I've been putting aside in a non-existent box because my life gets the best of me. I worry too much about my work without even doing anything to better it, I worry about my goddamn health without taking care of it and I worry about every single thing. I worry too much and I know it's finally taking its toll on me. What is? My brain.
I have this humongous urge to run away. I for instance know myself very well that I could actually pull that off but at the same time I don't want to be that person all over again, I don't want to run away from things anymore.
When things get too serious, I stray the fuck away and it's bad. I'm so bad at accepting commitments, I'm so freaking bad at accepting affection and I struggle with that everyday. My inner demons have the tendency to feed me with stupid things just so I would sit the heck down and not take control of my own life. BAD, isn't it? I know. It's hard because I'm so freaking weak when it comes to them.
26 years. What the hell happened in 26 years?
I rushed life before and now all I want to do is just sleep it off. I've been rushing my whole life and why did I bother, I have no freaking idea. Finished primary school at just 11 years old. Finished high school at just 16 years old. Finished degree at just 21 years old and that's it for me. That's it. What the hell was I chasing after, I have no idea.
I came chasing after the forbidden thing called love at such young age. I broke too many hearts even before I reach 21 what the hell was I thinking? I wasted my youth thinking I knew better and now I feel so.... worn out. I want to cry so badly and I can't even cry anymore because it's too much for me. I feel so immune to feelings I seriously don't know what is the right reaction for certain things.
I know I needed to settle down already, and some even told me it's okay you're too young for that. I'm actually leaning towards the latter opinion because I can never see myself sharing my life with someone for e v e r because dude, tha't scary. I know I need to stop being in denial but honestly, I'm not ready yet. I don't think I'll ever be.
Wow what the hell did I just write.
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