Do not explode.

♫ Doe Paoro — "Nostalgia"

The beat of the song I included above is the perfect description of how I'm feeling right now. I wanted to wait, to calm down these giddy bubbles of annoyance and hatred within me but now I see that I shall appreciate them raw.

For the first time in my (almost) 25 years of living, I have wished for my bipolar to make its usually-unwelcome appearance. I have always hated being an inconvenient human being - where this unwanted mental problem would surface itself whenever I didn't want them to but today, I so badly wanted it to hit me in the face just so I could use it as an excuse to stab someone to death.

I'm not going to take that back. Sometimes I thought I was being hard on certain people just because we couldn't meet halfway but in my effort of being responsible over my thoughts and actions, I have realized that I was being unfair to myself. The problem isn't me, especially when I had tried my best to do things professionally. I think I have reached my maximum level of tolerance and this is just pure bullshit. How can you reason with someone who has zero common sense in the first place? Such a waste of time and effort, and we all agree to this.

I don't understand why I even bother dedicating a space in my blog for you. Oh no, it's not about you. This is me expressing the leftover anger towards you and I shall now bestow upon your whole being an invisible cloak so that I would no longer need to acknowledge and deal with your crappy attitude. And if you're reading this (because you like snooping and stalking around), you might get the answer as to why I am no longer talking to you. Please grow the heck up, just a kind reminder, you're a half century old creature so stop acting like a newborn baby.

Moving on, I have mixed feelings on coming home to Miri next week. It's probably because I'm actually sad ergo me dreading one of my bestfriends' wedding and I'm still in this denial state. I'm truly happy for her but it still feels like I'd be losing a big part of myself via her permanent legal attachment to a guy lol such a lovely way to put it but hey, I just want to be honest about it.

But at the same time, I'm stoked! Can't wait to meet everyone although I know I would be dying to come back here after that but hey what's new? Yeah, I thought so.