Resting period

Ramadan's done, Syawal's almost over. And yet my heart is still all over the place. 

If I were to be honest, this year's Ramadan was the toughest for me. I thought I had it all under control because last year's was one I could never forget. Thought I'd do it better this year but oh my, I didn't think it would be twice harder.

I don't want to dwell on my sadness because it's just going to make me miss Ramadan even more. Let me just try to ease the mood a bit here, okay? Although the truth is I have been feeling like I am caught between two conflicting conditions and I really don't know how to get out of it. I'm still trying here, as you can see.

A lot of crying happened too this year. With my Love, for my Love, for my parents, for my little siblings, with my Sansan, for my Sansan, for myself, and for the things I couldn't let go. One of them is definitely my fluctuating spiritual level. 

It's a shame to admit that, of course but I don't want to be under a facade. I don't want to start having a made-up face that I don't actually know. I'm babbling now, am I not? So many sorrys were being said this time around, coming from people I least expect and a lot of them came from my own self. 

I don't think I've ever spent too much time apologizing to myself, for all the things I shouldn't be doing, for all the things I shouldn't be saying. I want to be stronger all the time, I tell myself. I want to be stronger than I have ever been.

And then I fell. For the thousandth time. I'm not sure if it's okay to continue crying. What if my soul got tired of my sorry self? What if it didn't want to be held accountable for whatever I put it through?

I'm tired. But I don't want to give up. 

I still want to be able to choose light. And love. 

So much light that I couldn't even fathom the brightness. So much love that I can no longer feel anything else other than that.

I want to choose love, always. The loss of Love brought me here in the first place. I just want to choose Love, see Love and feel all this Love that has been there for me all this while.

Let me choose Love, always. Please just let me.