It's kind of rude coming from me, as I understand very well what it means to be mentally sick. But this is a different kind of mental illness because it destroys other people's lives. How do I do this without feeling exposed to vulnerability? I don't know man, the victims suffered worse than what I had and they had the strength to share it to the world, despite the anonymity that they have chosen for themselves. But I need to let this out because it should be a reminder that it can happen to anyone.
Sexual harassment is becoming a norm in today's world (OK I'm not trying to start an English essay ok don't mind my formal starting), to the point that you no longer know where the boundaries stand. The latest issue being talked amongst the public is the pedophilia case. It's nothing new, you see. People use to take it as a joke; take it for example when someone is dating someone 10 years younger than him/her. It used to be a stupid disgusting joke but now no more, because it's really happening out there and it's happening in our sick society clad with people claimed to have a religion attached to their name. It's sad but it's the truth. What's even more, most of the offenders are Malays. Our banyak-action and tak-pernah-salah and forever-standing-up-for-Malay-rights people. Yeap.
I was five when I experienced my first sexual harassment. I'm not going to go into details on this but I knew something was wrong because it didn't feel normal. It's a painful memory because it was one of the things that still lingers on me up until now; almost 21 years later. He was a relative and I remembered not coming anywhere near him after that one incident. I feel so thankful to the Almighty up until now that at the tender age of 5, I could already tell the difference between what's normal and what's not normal.
Then when I was 7, I experienced another act of sexual harassment. I was in my primary one when this happened and at first, I thought it was harmless. Hear me out and digest my story, okay? Back in my primary school, my class is the first one you would see upon entering and it's also in the first building. Being the head of the class, I always came early to school because I would have to make sure that everyone is doing the classroom duties and etcetera. Once the morning session is finished, everyone would definitely pass by my classroom because it's right before the school entrance/exit so the corridor of my classroom would always be crowded with older students waiting, and also some by some teachers.
One day, as I was sweeping the floor outside, 3 guys called out to me. They were dressed as teachers and I realized they were the trainees judging from how young they look as compared to my usual teachers. They started asking my name and chatting me up, complimenting my cuteness and shit (ugh it's so disgusting to think back) and I remember them pinching my cheeks quite a few times. That was it.
Two days later, they were there again and this time, they gave me gifts. Candies and stuff. Let me tell you the truth, at this point I was already so bloody annoyed because a) they started calling my name in the midst of the walking crowd and b) because they don't make me happy at all, not even when they were all smiles. I remembered complaining to my friend, but then I was told that I was lucky I got free gifts from teachers who weren't even teaching us! The thing happened at least 3 times a week. I would stupidly go to them and answer their questions to me. The touching was sometimes non-existent because as I've told you earlier, my classroom is in the public eye. 2 weeks passed and I knew I had to do something about it so I started hiding. I even told my friends to tell them I wasn't around. They kept asking in the next few days and seriously, it was so draining because good lord I was only 7 and already I am scared of going to school?
They didn't show up after that and I thought they've stopped teaching there. Well, I thought wrong. The next week, it started again. When they asked me where I've been I just kept quiet, I no longer respond to their questions, I just gave a smile and nod and walk away. I felt so helpless but guess what? Lightbulb! It was funny to me because I didn't think it would work at first and it really did surprise me when it did actually work.
I never wore any tudung to school. My school was called St. Anthony and back then it wasn't compulsory for school kids to wear tudung to school. But I was always told that I look so bloody different with and without the tudung (this one doesn't change up until today), so I decided to try it out. I warned my friend to tell those 3 dudes that I no longer go to that school. She was worried that she would be caught lying but I calmed her and told her it was going to be okay. This is what happened.
The 3 of them stood there, looking around as I peeked from inside of the classroom. They didn't ask anyone about me. I braved myself and took the broom with me because unfortunately it was my turn to sweep the corridor that day. I went out and started sweeping. I still remember how fast my heart beat by then but I kept my cool. They looked past me. THEY REALLY DID and I just continued sweeping, in front of them. When my friend came out, they stopped her and asked her where I was. She told them abruptly, "she don't go here anymore!" which made me nervous because what if they didn't buy it? So I waited for a few agonizing minutes and just like that, they left. And they never stopped by after that. And I started wearing tudung to school ever since although the hidayah to wear it for good came years later but boy did it really saved me.
I was happy that it passed but as I grew older, it made me think of how despicable some people are. Made me wonder what they were thinking by then? Made me wonder what would happen if I was naive and I fell for their affection? Made me wonder all the worse case scenarios and it still manage to give me the goosebumps till today. Even as I was writing all that, it made me sick to my stomach. I can't even begin to rationalize their age gap with mine. I never told my family about this because if you know me personally, I'm not the type to share bad stories with my parents, I didn't have the heart to and I didn't want to make them worry. I'm guessing it's an instilled personality trait because I am still like that as of now.
It's hard to criticize the pedophiles out there because I'm sure they didn't ask for it just as much as I didn't ask for my bipolar but you know what I mean. What hurts the most is the fact that the society is not putting emphasis on this matter soon enough and it truly breaks my heart. How some families don't listen to their kids when they started confiding to their parents about the harassment and assaults they experienced. Even worse, some family members could do it to their own siblings and child. Allahu rabbi, how could they?
It's even harder to talk about this openly especially when people have no idea the danger it could bring to their kids. Sexual harassment is nothing new and it could happen to anyone. They said it usually happen to troubled kids and those from abusive family. Hello, they don't call me Princess for no reason and still, it happened to me. I even read a comment from someone blaming the child victim of being pretty, being too revealing - like what the actual heck are you talking about? How can a little girl be too pretty and too revealing at that age. It's frustrating to see the mentality of some of our people.
Putting aside the pedophilia thingy, we shouldn't cast away the light from the main problem and that is the act of sexual harassment itself despite the age of the victim. I still experience it now, despite wearing tudung, despite being more careful. I got followed twice by a car after they saw me at the freaking Tol plaza and they followed me all the way to the shopping complex. To do what? Just to leave a freaking note on my car. Some people may find it cute and sweet but having experienced what I have experienced before, I didn't think it was funny. Not in the slightest bit. I have been followed while walking to the LRT station because my headstrong self prefers to just walk than use the freaking taxi. The old guy almost grabbed me the second time he saw me but alhamdulillah my scary face and the crowd behind me saw it and scared him off. I was chased by a foreigner because he thought my smile is an invitation to do whatever he intends to do. Makes you feel stupid for being kind to people at all.
I had my sister and my mom told off married dudes and pakciks to stop staring at me because it's disgusting, especially when it was so obvious. This is the sole reason why I never accept compliments and how I always acted so bizarre when given one. It made me feel uneasy because it brought me back to those 3 trainee teachers.
It's still happening and I know it's never going to stop. Is it enough to just be prepared for whatever assault coming our way? It's revolting how people could only put the blame on the victims when things like this happen, like as if they meant to provoke the attacker? How and why do some people have this kind of mentality and judgment, truly baffles me. But my point in writing this is to welcome sharing it to someone at least, if you have experienced similar problem. Most of the stories I read, they waited until they were 37 years old before they could finally let go of the bad memory, in fear that no one could accept them and even worse, no one would believe them. I understand if it's a personal choice but if they choose to share it somehow, PLEASE everyone else, listen to them and if you could not relate, the least you can do is emphatize.
Thank you for reading through though. Took too much of your time today but I really appreciate it. May Allah protect us from all the evil in this world.
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