I ended the draught to my coffee consumption today because I missed its taste. Been avoiding it for weeks now but a cuppa won't hurt, eh? Started the day off with a box of delish brownies too; made with love by my pet kitty (read: sister). So excited that she's finally listening to our suggestion of at least profiting a little from it. We even tried coming up with an official name for it and one that stood out the most amongst our brilliant but sengal ideas was.... Chris Brownies. I'm obviously so clever.
Sweet things aside, I have been asked about my poems lately. I was doing paper decluttering with Sansan yesterday and I stumbled upon my DIY poetry book. Of which I ended up flipping through, then got saddened by its detainment, then got excited over its possible revival, then got hesitant by my fluctuating confidence in my own writings. Sansan then halted my train of thoughts by reminding me of his faith in my writings which is a no surprise because this sweet earthling is one of my biggest self-proclaimed fans (besides my mother, of course). But let me just elaborate the reason behind my reluctance in finally sharing my work with the world.
It's all because of the perception people have towards poets. I feel like I'm being confined to meet a certain set of standards of a poet before I could claim myself as one. Hence, why I never officiate myself as a poet. It's all because of the conflicting ideas I have in seeing life as I know it. To me, poets need to act in certain ways, look in certain ways. I love my writings; simply because it grew out of other people's experiences. It helps me to embody their pain into my poems and making it as a past reminder for a future reference. But if you were to invite me to an open mic - good Lord I can never imagine myself accepting such gig because I won't be able to be poetic that way. That's how I always end up feeling a little crappy whenever I see poets making public sessions for their readers because, damn you must be the real thing and here I am trying so hard to portray such image too.
Other examples would be, should my social media be mostly about all the beautiful things in life? Should the things I quote must have special hidden meaning behind it like how lovely poems would be? Should I be looking up to other poets or, at least, knowing 90% of its population in the world? Should my poems be inspired from the world's reformation and revolution? Should it be backed up by a certain movement? Should I be labelled as something before I could validate myself as a poet?
It's hard to conform to that because I don't and can't do that just because I want to be seen as the real definition of a poet. If you check on my Facebook; I only address issues that somehow bothered my beliefs or things that I want people to be aware of. World issues, to be exact. And I tweet a lot of football stuff on my Twitter so that's that. It feels like I'm sabotaging the image a real poet should have.
Of course, I was wrong all along. I was just too scared to share this side of mine to the world. I could never be ready; especially when I don't even know what ready really feels. I've been imposing all these stereotypes on myself, making it harder for me to just be free in showing my pieces to people. So afraid of rejection, so afraid of criticism that I took a step back even before I could even do anything about it. Didn't realize I was sabotaging myself. Not till a dear friend contacted me today wishing that she could see more of my poems again.
Ah, how did I become so blind of the overwhelming love and support that I get from the people around me? Too caught up in my own paranoia and insecurity, I didn't realize I've been limiting myself and of course, I've been stalling for far too long now.
Not sure if I could ever forgive myself if I still refuse to do something about it. We'll see.
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